well its sunday february, 13 2011. 

nicoles mom pikd her up like an hour ago. i miss her. but, i kno its just that. i stoped loving her sometime ago i dont kno wen tho. i kno dat i just miss her. i dont need her in my life. i will miss da companionship. i have my kids tho. they keep my busy wen they let me. i feel sad and relieved at the same time. weird. but i do kno dat dis is my first step. it was actually the hardest. the whole letting go. i wonder how long the pain will b? i guess time will tell. and i know dis is the best thing that i have done.

I hope you don't mind me following this goal... I know exactly what you mean. When you're in a bad back-and-forth, it's hard to get through in the beginning, but it does get easier. I have even seen a lot of improvement in my daughter. Hang in there and if I can help you in any way, just a note.

dont mind at all. actualy makes me feel better knowing dat sumone else can relate to me n not b afraid to sa y sumthng. its day 3. im doin better than i thot r so i think. i keep getting up around 3 and 4 n da morning. i keep having dreams about my parents dat passed away a couple of years ago. its weird. i use to dream about my x n c her cheatn in my dream n i wud wake. now nuthing. but i suppose now im thinkn about her i supose i'll dream about her. but yeah weird both nights my parents were like coming toward me n my dream n i was aware that it wasnt real so i panikd n woke up. last nights dream was my dad like opened a door which i was in a room that was full of water. wen da door opened i fell to the ground and like pasd out and died. then i woke. ihope 2nite i can sleep betr. lack of sleep is starting to affect me now. wat do u thnk it is.

I think it's just stress. Your brain does weird things when you're overtired and emotionally drained. As it gets more normal (and it takes a while to feel normal, unfortunately), you will go through all kinds of phases. I was mad at first, and I think I stayed mad longer than I should have, but only because I was afraid that if I wasn't angry, I'd be so sad I couldn't survive.

Turns out, I could let go of all of that emotion and focus on my future, and my daughter's future. That is where the hope of a better life turns into reality. Now you can make plans and do things that make you both happy when you're together, without the distraction of your ex. When you have your daughter, just do things that are so fun. You will build your own relationship with her that will make a huge difference to her future. And you have to be happy, too, in order to be a great dad.

You will make strides. Just go easy with yourself and get through this time as you can. A year from now, you will realize how strong you were. And when it gets hard, just remember: It's only hard now. This isn't forever, it's just now.

Stay in touch and get some sleep. Try not to overthink. Hope that helps and let me know how you're doing. I know this is hard. You'll be alright.

 well last nite was easier. no weird dreams at least dat i can rembr. i did wake up like every 2 hours or so. idk y tho. still tired as heck tho. feel betr about myself and i kno im doin the right thing especially since sumone replied n gave me more hope thank u.ur words help me alot . i havnt thot bout her as much today. just every now and then. it fades real quick. cause soon as i think bout her my mind seems to play bad stuff that happnd n y im doin this. tired, dats my problem right now. heart aches a litle.

You must be exhausted. I'm glad last night was a little easier. It is going to come and go for a while, but remember this: If we only risk a fraction of our hearts, we never get the full return, either. You unfortunately will have to go through the grieving process to get through this loss. It is a loss. But it will also be your gain, and your daughter's, as you build a life that's more positive and less focused on the bad stuff that happened in the past. You're going to have a future, a better one, and it's up to you to build it. You can do it a little at a time. Sleep will come again as you settle with this new change. Is there anything you want to do that you can look forward to, something to plan and be positive about? I took a trip right after I filed for divorce. It helped a lot.

Sinplicity, I'm following your progress too.  Wishing you strength to stay focused on your goal and looking forward to reading your posts about how it's improving for you and for your daughter too. 

 just tired as heck. woke up every 2 hours. went to sleep round 2 i tried to sleep at 9 but ended up tossing and turning. finaly like round 2 dozed off for a bit then woke up. how do i deal with this sleeping problem? i just want to get like 8 hours of sleep. but then again--wen i do sleep i dream about her. last nite my dream was kinda in and out. it was like one long dream but just in parts. everytime i went to sleep the storied continued on. im starting to think if i shud just stay up so i dont dream about her. my dream just felt so real n everythng. i miss the company. my mom and dad pasd away 2 years now. wish i cud just visit them. my sis pasd like 5 yrs ago. man dis suks. i do want to get away but money short. i kno i need to focus its just so hard too wenur tired. she sent me a txt last nite i got it in the morning sayn i miss u n luv u wish i was there i will call u today. made me feel good then later on i thot she playn with my emotions. or is she? idk!! y is it just cause im not around her she says all this stuff now it makes it harder. i didnt reply bak i let my battery die n havnt turnd it bak on. im kind worried wat will b on it l8r. but i kno i need to face the music. i want to get thru this. my daughter is startn to worry bout me now. i thnk wat im feeln she startn to feel too. she tells me to go out. but i just want to be home for awhile. she just txtd me on yahoo sayn she wants to talk. im not gona respond. i kno r b-leave n da future we can b friends. im tired  my body feels like one arm is asleep n da othr is well there. tired. wen will i sleep tonight. i plan on 9 r 10. is this a dream n wen i dream is it reality? breathe breathe.

 i just came to thnk too. i eat a half cup of oatmeal for breakfast n mayb a tomato for lunch. n dinnr is well nuthing most of the time. im letting this effect me too much. im not even hungry nemore. i just dont care to eat except in the morning. i make myself do that. do u think that setting a goal a day will help me get thru this more? like today everytime i think of her and my heart starts to crack again and my breathe slows n my body numbs with feelings of her. i should wel lidk do u thnk that i shud just thnk of her as much as i can n exhaust myself to failure and the point were my mind and body say dats enuff!!!

The trouble with emotions is that they have the power to outweight our better judgment sometimes. Especially when it comes to people we have let into our lives.

I like your thought about setting a goal a day to get yourself through. We just ran a 21-Day Challenge to keep people focused on positive behavior that would put in place a lifestyle change or habit, and I can tell you, based on other members' results, it really works. Only you know your reasons for wanting to get out of the relationship, and I believe we can only lie to ourselves for so long. If you outlast the pain, you'll get to a point shortly where it is a new reality, being without her, and it won't hurt you like this. But you do need to sleep. I would think about talking to your doctor if it lasts more than a week. Your body will start to break down and your immune system will suffer. Don't let a broken heart break the rest of you!

I just read through what you've posted so far and I really must agree with Shea on this.  Time will ease your pain, but getting yourself from here to that point will take some focusing. Consider yourself to be in 'survival mode' right now.  Staying healthy and strong for your daughter are important goals.  Trying to eat a bit and getting some sleep each night are vital to that.  Second the motion on the discussions with your doctor.    If I could recommend one other exercise that has always helped me through the grief of a lost love: read.  Taking a trip to the library armed with some topics that interest you may help keep your mind occupied.  I love picking up some positive mental attitude books.  Reading about how other people have overcome their challenges always makes me feel better about the challenges I'm facing.  Les Brown has always been an inspiration to me personally.  His books, 'Live Your Dreams' and 'It's Not Over Until I Win' have pulled me through some seriously tough times.  If you pick them up or look him up on the internet, please let me know what you think.    As difficult as these times are for you right now, believe that they have not come to stay.  They have come to pass.  Know that each day that goes by brings you closer to a lighter heart.

well i think i got sum sleep. went to bed round 12 r 1230 woke up at 600. not bad den i went bak to sleep till 7. im still tired tho. my head aches. but i dont think i dreamed about her last nite. i do feel better a litte. actually andrea i did start sum reading on a book the art of non-confromity. kept my mind buzy last ntie frm 9 to wen i went to bed. the words made me feel beter. i will look up those books u suggested. thank u 4 dat. today everytime i think about her. wen my mind rembers the good times i will also try n counteract that with a negative one. i will do this everytime i start to think and feel for her. thanks to both of u following my goal. it has helped me more than u kno!! i just realized that i have done two steps in completing my goal so far. got out of the relationship and 2 im staying away from her. i think about how this is good for me and my daughter. i want to be happy and make her happy. my x was way different from me now wen i think of it. she made me feel good, she also made me feel bad, she drank alot and couldnt control it which led to all the cheating. i dont drink much just socialy maybe if even once a month. it was doomed from the start. but a leason will be learned.

last night i also watched this movie 500 days of summer. made me feel real good. everytime i feel down and like i will never bounce bak n find love again i will watch this. thank u lord for everything!! i am doing the right thing and i will get through  this. it just takes time.

You are absolutely right, and you will have moments where you wonder if you've done the right thing. When you get in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, or fighting and making up, that craziness becomes your new normal, which isn't good.

One day, I looked at my daughter, eating her breakfast with one hand and sticking her finger in her ear with the other. That was it. I had officially lost my tolerance for the cycle. It is very confusing to be with someone who deals with alcohol issues. Alcoholism is a disease to take seriously and it affects everyone in their lives adversely. But you can't blame yourself and most importantly, you have to minimize the effects of that behavior on your daughter. You can't control everything, but you can give her one stable parent that focuses on her needs and shows her the way to live a happy life.

You should be really proud of your courage. Hang in there, my friend.

I want you to know: I still have days where I feel sorry for my ex or miss some small piece of our old life, a time when he was kind or especially there for me, etc. It doesn't mean those moments weren't valuable. You either grow together or you grow apart. And sometimes, especially when addiction or poor communication play a role, it isn't always in our control. You're doing the best you can for yourself, and you are allowed to have a good future. No one, not even someone you love or loved, is supposed to take that away from you for any reason.

Hi again, how's the Art of Non-Conformity coming along?  You'll have to let me know what you're reading about in there because I haven't read that one.  

I love the response Shea's given you.  It's perfect.  Perhaps I could suggest another exercise that might help you out a bit.  This is exactly what I did the three times I've had my heart shattered...the next time your mind starts to wander and become tangled up in thoughts about your ex, try switching gears and deliberately making a mental note of all the positive things YOU have to offer someone in a positive loving relationship.  Or even better... write them down on a piece of paper so you can read them out to yourself whenever you need to.  Even better than that... share them here with Shea and I.  Once you do this exercise,  you'll come to realize that you deserve exactly that - a loving positive relationship based on mutual respect and admiration.  I'm so looking forward to seeing what you come up with, but if you'd prefer not to share, let me know how your private list is coming along so I can give you the next step of the exercise.    

 today kinda hard. wad like a long dream of my x. sukd. she was cheatn well doin the stuff she did to me in real life. hated the dream. but good thing is that i slept from 12 to 9 dis morning!!! my body feels bettr.my mind too. just struglin with stayn posiitive n not tryn to thnk of her. i keep tryn to call her. i stop my self.i try again, n stop myself. i like ur idea andrea. the question i think to myself is do i need a relationship again. its like im scared too do this again. wel i wonder n question myself now will i find another? probably will mayb, doubts. i tell myself that i dont need her drama. 

im just gonna say it ---my story of why i kno this is the bet thng to do.

i hope by doin this i will look at my past relationship and reflect on it and see the positive and negative side. kinda like andrea said.  i thnk

wow the only thng i can thnk of is why this is happening. i gave her nethng n everythng i had r cud. i gave her presents, opened the door for her, cudddled with her and watchd movies, read a book to her, told her i loved her all the time, hugd her everyday n let her kno i was thnkn about her. thankd her for letting me b in her life. shared dreams and goals with her. 

she gave me good time too. she is a wonderful woman and well she is perfect when she is not drunk. she is wat i was looking for in a woman. except-----the drinking. soon as she drank it controlled her. she had to have it at least once a week or more. it started with just 2 beers den she had to keeep goin. if she didnt get more alcohol she wud get upset. then take off. wudnt come bak for a day or two. and then she would come bak with no bra n hicky marks on her neck and say she was with noone. i knew she was but i felt 4 her. i spent 4 yrs with her n her with me. i knew wat kindv person she was n i guess i was waiting for the good side to take over. i even caught her with sumone twice. i still hurts. its like i think to myself at times if i think about the paiin so much that it will go away. but instead it started to turn to anger a little. i felt it and well my stepparents raised me betr. i didnt want to hurt her in neway and i didnt want to keep waiting for the good person to take over her. and the pain of her constantly cheating was getting me numb. i saw that i was accepting it. i was accepting this way of a relationship.  then one day i wanted to be happy. b4 i forget--she wud take money from my wallet and take my car and leave wen i was asleep. she wud take money from my kids piggy bak n leave n the middle of the night and say she didnt take nethng. i guess in a way im thinkin about all the negative stuff is this good for me???? one time i caught her with her so calld friend--n i askd her wats more important-me r ur friends and alcohol? n she told me in front of this guy in his car her friends and alcohol!!  she saw this guy everytime she got drunk. he wud give her alcohol. i also found out later she was doin weed, coke, n meth. keeep in my i dont do nethng like that. i drnk occasionaly like at a bday party r wedding n mayb just for the fun of it. like mayb once a month r once every wel not much neway. i started to thnk that she was selling herself to this guy that way she cud have these things. i wudnt give her money for alcohol. she didnt work. which i was okay with. then i find out later on just out of the blue she told me  soberly she cheated on me almost everytime she was drunk. like around 24 times. then i she tried to change it to like 3 times. i know she was lying. i think i was n shok for a couple of days cause i was like not all there. just kinda existing. thats wen one day i noticed that i was askn her who she was talkn with, were u goin, y did it take so long, i wanted her by my side cause if she wasnt she was cheatn i thot. i saw i was bn posseve. thats not how my parents raised me i thot to myself. this isnt a good relationship. this is not how i wanted my life to be!!! i sat her down and told her this. she lookd sad. i told her if u drnk again away from me r c dis othr guy again i thnk its time to end our relationship. she agreeed. it went well for like a month and a half. i didnt try to control her actions and accepted that tif she does these things again she dont love me like she says she does. and we were not meant to be. n she did it she drank  i got off work and she was gone. i found her later cause she wanted 2 buks. she calld me. i didnt give it to her. she stayd out n drank. wen she came bak n was sober the next day my heart knew she was with sumone else yet again. i askd n she denied i kept askn n she crackd n said dat guy. i said well i told u wat wud hapn if u did that again. she was like watever. u wont ever leave me. i calld her mom n askd if she cud cum get her daughtr cause we need to seperate and i gave one reason-alcohol n dats it.i said no more. nuthing about the cheating, the drugs. n wel now she out of my life. she like 130 miles away so makes it easier. but yet i still wondr about her. hope she doin okay, hope she safe, pray dat god will help her. i fell so alone at times. my kids keep my mind buzy. sorry bout all this bust had to vent. sumone calld me and told me she just partying it up.bn with one guy aftr da next.  idk who? it stabd the heart again to hear this. i take a breathe, i feel the pain, i accept the pain. tears are held bak. my heart sinks a little lower.my hear slows now. i look at the snow falling. lord i kno u have a reason for this i dont kno y at the moment but i have faith. dear lord ease my pain. comfort those who need u. a tear falls that i cannot control. time to ocuppy my mind. do i dwell in pain?

Oh friend, your pain will ease. And I can tell you the reason for what's happened: It's a terrible disease. A real one. And it destroys so many lives.

What you will realize is that you didn't let it destroy yours. It's so, so painful to love someone who struggles with addiction. It changes the way they see everything, and when they finally sober up, if they get that far, they have so many apologies and reparations to make. The healthy mind can't conceive of how they see their decisions when they're drunk and using. What you should know is that if you can have alcohol in a moderate, healthy way, there is nothing wrong with that. Just recognize that some people can't, and your ex is one of them. Most important point in the world, and you have to say this over and over until you actually believe it: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You could not control her behavior and she couldn't choose you OR alcohol and drugs. One was optional, the other was not. I know you feel terrible but can you imagine what your children would grow up thinking about you if you continued to expose them to this woman? Your daughter especially needs healthy role models and your love and support and focus to build her self-esteem, just so she doesn't grow into this behavior. She will know that you were strong and even though you loved this woman, your children's enviroment and your emotional health were more of a priority. That shows so much maturity and good priorities. You're doing the right thing, no matter what.

After all you've been through, I think it would be good to look into some books on co-dependency and just see if maybe any of the wisdom applies. You should never let anyone who is supposed to love you degrade what you give for any length of time. You deserve better and you gave better. You should at least never accept less than that. You will get strong again and heal your heart. But make an active choice when you go out to meet new people. Engage in activities that will bring you in contact with people who have something of value to offer you. Match your positive qualities and believe in them. That's how you meet someone who will respect you and be glad to share a happy, emotionally healthy love.

Keep writing. Do Andrea's list. It's worth it, just keep holding on to your future and your past will disappear in the rear view mirror. Don't pull her back in, you can't change her or save her from her decisions. We all have to choose for ourselves what we make of our lives. You worry about you and your kids, the rest will all fall into place, I promise.

 hard day. i drank with a friend last nite n well the hangovr made me feel so depresd.. i misd her so bad i cried for a bit. i even cald her talkd to her for a bit. but she didnt want to talk to me. she kept sayn im busy ill call u later. i told her how i felt. it hurt me that she didnt want to talk to me. she was like well u wantd me to go n now im gone. i have a boyfren now so ill cal u later k n hung up. this hurt me. i cried n askd god y. i still feel sad, alone, depresed. i kno this i cant drnk alcohol while im tryn to get over her. makes it worse. i feel so alone!!!

Just checkin in on how you've come along Sinplicity.  How's your daughter doing? What's her name?  How old is she?  Is it just one little girl or do you have other children too?  Also, how's the book coming along?  Maybe some cheerful or 'involved' movies will keep your mind occupied?  What kind of movies are your favourite?   Alcohol is a depressant, so maybe try to steer clear of that until you're in a better state of mind?  I didn't recommend that exercise about making the list of positive qualities about yourself for finding another partner at this time.  I was suggesting it so you might be able to see some hard evidence of all that you have to offer... your daughter, your family, your friends who care about you.  In fact, I've never been ready to meet a new love until about a year after the old love and I've said goodbye.  I think if you can try to focus on what you have that's positive in your life right now, you'll see a difference in your attitude in just a few short weeks.  Let me know how that list is coming so we can work through it.  What would the top 5 things be if you were to pick some things about yourself that you like.  What would the top 5 things be if you were to look at what's positive in your life right now?  Lets start with those.  I totally understand how painful this time is for you.  It's kind of like experiencing a death and as painful as that grief is, time will begin to work it's magic and begin to ease that hurting heart.  

 my daughter is actually goin away to a boardiing skew 200 miles away. she wanted too go. n i wanted her too go too. the skewl offers alot of activities for the kids after skewl. she loves it so far. she calls me n chcks on me. she just turnd 13 her name is carol mia but she likes da mia name bettrer. i have 2 boys trevor and xavier they are 10 and 9. they r too young to go to the boarding skewl.  they want to stay by my side. 

i took a shower dis morning and i told myself to just let it out. then b4 i knew it i was crying up a storm. i askd god all kinds of things mustv bn like 15 mins r so. thats wen i lookd around at my apartment and thot about her. were she sat how she wud cuddle with me and fall asleep. things like that. thens wen i said  i need to go outside for a walk. i need to get out of here. 

today i woke up sad n mising her still. hard to get moving.. i kept my kids at home today. they stayd by my side. it made me feel beter. we went  for a walk to the store n i bought them a soda. we talkd n talkd bout y nik left. n lots of othr things. like goin hiking this summr and can i get this toy n stuff it was fun. i felt real good goin for a walk. i think i will do this more often. its cold were im at but the sun shines too. lol wen im walkn i feel n breathe the air and it feels reall good idk y. it just does. its like being underwater n coming to the surface n taking that first big breathe. 

as i walkd to i felt like time will go by. one day at a time. i should concentrate on gettn thru this day. i mis her still but at the same time i think y she had to leave. 

do u think that this is a good idea?

write down negative things about y i wanted to end this relationship. dat way everytime i start to miss her i can pull out this list and rembr y.

i am strugln with the whole i thnk of her part. i rmbr her walkn towards me, askn me for stuff smiling, how do i get thru that? do i thnk bout the wrongs. i live in a small town so keeping my mind busy gets hard at times. i start a book r two then  well thnk bout her. i start to clean and i think bout her. how do i not think about her all the time!!!!!!!!?????? keep my mind busy i kno i need more ideas i thnk. 

i wud like to thank u andrea and ep and shea for the advice. trust me ur words have not fallen on deaf ears. i am trying my hardest. i have not gone to pik her up like i have done in the past. i look foward to looking at this site everyday and finding support from u. again thank u.

Hi Sinplicity, Your actions show great courage and I want to offer my support to you. You will notice a private Journal feature so you can write all your thoughts out and keep them to yourself. Otherwise please continue to share your path with us all.

What you are doing is building a future for your family. When your past is full of pain for things you had no control on just focus on what you can control. Fill your thoughts with activities and adventures that will have a massive healing quality and help create a new identity for your boys. I can already tell you are starting to find your feet, if only a little you are starting to gain perspective. We are all with you and want to support you any way we can. 

 wow tuff morning. i was missing her and almost cried i held it bak. i wish i wudv let it out but im workn. my work i luv but its a constant reminder of her. i rmbr wre she sat. i movd furniture around so it helpd a litle.

she called me and said she wanted to be with me. i got shook. made me happy but then again i think she doing that to drag me along. i nade this choice and sticking to its hard. expecially wen it comes to this. 

i feel better now. just miss her too.

i stil ache. i will not change my mind. sumone told me hang on to the good thoughts but rmbr watit wud b like if she was still in your life. good point i thot.

 well sitn here workn still,, thinkn of her now and then. a;djhwruphc;v mioj!!!!!breathe. still changing around my apartment. i read that i need to rearage. wen she was with me she did most of the decorating. all of it. but i read i need to change it cause it causes an unsubconsious pull making u think about that person. by eliminating that n changing things ur giving ur mind a new start. so i read.im gonna give it a try. cause i just dont want to be home. it reminds me of her.  get through it. i keep telling myself. deal with it. cry wen i feel like crying. think of her for a bit then tell myself outloud im thinking about that again! im gonna give myself 20 minutes a day and allow myself to think and feel about her then stop and tell myself thats enuff im done thinkin about her. i kno i will think about her stil but mayb just mayb by dealing and facing these things i will adapt and overcome.

MY MAIN GOAL IS TO JUST GET THROUGH IT!!! 

dont ignore the thoughts, dont hold bak if i feel like crying, usually after i cry i feel better and can get moving with my day. seems like the morning is the hardest for me.

Walking is great.  Exercising is great.  Reading is great.  Sticking with friends and family who truly care about your health and wellbeing is also awesome.  So is staying away from any influences that might bring you down further.  Liquid form or otherwise. Being around people right now who have a positive affect on you, your environment and your kids is a great step too.  As mentioned before, maybe try to think of yourself in 'survival' mode at this time.  So, make sure you're covering all the bases - eating enough, getting sleep each night (things seem a thousand times worse without any sleep, have you had a chance to chat with your doctor about what you're going through?), keeping yourself strong and healthy from a physical perspective until your emotional self can catch up will go a long way at this time.  If rearranging the furniture is what makes you happy, then go for it.  You're doing a great job so far.

today was a good. slept like from 10 last night to 8 dis morning. it felt good. i took a different way to work dat way i wud not thnk bout her.  wen i walkd i thot bout her n felt pain but my mind kept sayn imagine ur life if she was still in it!! dat made me think of stuff. i ignored it at first then wud thnk bout her again. then i wud say to myself again imagine my life if she was still in it. i wud still b worying about wat she was doin if she stole money from me, if she took my car etc... then im okay. i just kno dat da mornings r hard for me. its just hard to get goin. but i kno--just put one foot in front of the other eventually i'll get goin. i luv this site

Sinplicity, You have overcome so much to get here. There will still be more bumps but concentrate on keeping a habit that helps you for 21 days. Something that is repetitive and physical to get the heart pumping and engaging for you in the morning. Something like Running up your stairs, 10 pushups or sit-ups. Something that challenges you to build a new routine and allows you to grow. Your growth is allowing you to overcome this relationship and get healthy. The fact that you are here on this site shows me that you have intense desire to have a more fulfilled life. I am looking forward to how much more is possible for you. 

You're doing great so far Sinplicity.  Look at all the progress you've made!  Already feeling more postive about everything.

I'm with Bill on this.  Keeping active and getting that blood pumping every day will keep your mind occupied and help you focus on all the good things you've got going on in your life.  How's the reading coming along?  Is that helping at all?  Weekend is coming up.  What are your plans for this one?  Have you had a chance to take a look at some of the incredible stories on this site?  Maybe you'll find some to add to your own Life List.  Let me know what you think.

bn tryn to b buzy. work n kids. she cald n left voicemail sayn she misd me n watd to b with me. she was drnk tho. i listend n erased it. it hurt. then i stuck one foot in fornt of the other and i kept goin. i still miss her but i rmbr wat my life wud b like if she was still in it. wud b good for a moment then same stuff. i dont need it. have a fren coming ovr to watch movies with me tonight. i find that watchn movies helps my mind keep busy. myson is by my side wont leave it. i love him so much.

You are paving a new and safe life for yourself and your boys. And they are watching you and learning from you. In spite of the obstacles, you are proving to be a great role model for them. Take pride in that and be reassured by your own good judgement. You may hear Nicole say she misses you as you were a lifeline for her. Money, car, love, caretaker, friend, stabilizer, and likely many more things to her. She enjoyed all that but the reciprosity from her to you was missing. In a relationship both people deserve equal partner support. I'm sorry about your sadness but I believe you have made a good but difficult choice. Stay as strong as you can, lean on your safe friends and family and even change bedrooms with the children for a new outlook. They would love the adventure of moving to a new room and you can begin to take over a new personal space for just you. There's some fun in that undertaking. Maybe even do a little color changing or updating at the same time. My best to you.  

another day down and another one starting. man its just these fckn mornings that get me. seems like aftr 12 r so i feel betr. i still think of her.

i have a question

is thinking about her helping me any?

or do i stop myself everytiime i start to think of her?

dats wat seem to get me the most. i think of her. if i didnt think of her this wud be easier. so do i stop myself all the time?

Hello Simplicity, When at work I would try to focus on work and my co-workers. When with the boys or talking with your daughter try to engage with them and enjoy the moment. Set aside a time each day when you will process your thoughts about your wife. Try to do it productively so you gain from your effort. Perhaps you could make 2 lists, pros and cons of the relationship. That might also help you when sharing with the children. Its nice for them to hear that you remember the good things, too. Today, you can't change much by thinking about her except to assure yourself you have made the right decision . Try to remember that she is dealing with some level of illness that you cannot help her overcome. Take time for yourself and continue to love your children as much as you can. My best to you. 

Hi Sinplicity, it sounds like you're making progress.  I'm happy to see that you're sticking to it.  EP has some great advice for you too.  I really like the Pro/Con list idea outlined above.  Whenever I do that regarding a major decision, it always becomes clear once it's on paper in front of me.  Taking time to do the things you enjoy doing with the people you enjoy being with will help you through this challenging time. Hope you're reading still.  All this will get easier as more time passes.  In a couple more weeks, you'll be able to really feel the difference.  Maybe try to create some happy times with your kids after school or on the weekends... what do they like to do? What do you all like to do together?  My children are young still and on evenings when they all have no homework and we're not running off to skating or swimming lessons, we play board games.  I swear it's true.  They LOVE Sorry and Monopoloy Junior.  My husband has even started teaching our oldest son Chess - that one still baffles me to this day. 

 Hi again, it's been a few more days and I was just checking to see how you're doing.  Hope you're hanging in there.  

Hi Smplicity,

How are you? Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are finding relief and new adventures. We are here if you a line. All the best to you.

anothr day. down took my kids to stay n anothr town.for awhile swiming etc. was fun. 

Hi Sinplicity, it's great that you've made it back.  Tell us what you've been up to these past days.  Hope things are going better for you now that some time has passed.  Maybe you're able to get a bit of a different perspective.  I promise that it gets easier and easier as time goes by and you build new and happy memories with those you love.  Wishing you the best as you move forward along your journey.

How are your mornings lately, Sinplicity? I've been wondering how you're doing, just checking in on things. Hope you are feeling strong and enjoying things more, instead of feeling so bad. I'm sorry you had such a rough go, but spring does always come eventually, even after the worst of winters.

Wishing you the best.

Good morning Sinplicity.  We haven't heard from you in a while and I was just checking in once again to see how things are going.  I hope you are doing better these days and that things are looking up for you.  I came across this quote once again today (I've used it many times myself for strength) and thought of you:

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
~ Alexander Graham Bell. 

I'm sure that if you're keeping an eye out for the doors that are open to you - the ones that lead to happiness for you and your children, you'll find the weight lifting from your shoulders.  Wishing you many smiles and happiness too.  I hope you'll come back soon to update us on how you're doing.

well it's been awhile since i wrote here. was tryn to focus cause she coming bak n my life. askn needn, n it made me feel good. then one day i stopd stepd bak n took a look at her i mean her as a person and myself. i guess i had wat u call and epihany. i saw my life without her and it made me feel good. like wen u wake up and start your day and the weather is good as the sun shines down on you. u feel its warmth. t felt so good. so good that i saw spent 2 weeks just contempleting that feeling. realizing that it is possible. so i went to c her and spent a couple of days with her and we talked like we never talked before. i felt stronger wen i talkd to her. the pain in my heart was overwhelmed with a feeling of rejoice. i loved it.  we talkd about how she was and how i could not do it nemore. i finally grasped that she will not change for me and she will only change wen she wants too. she want ed to come bak and live with me again and try and make it work. i simply said no its not goin to work and u know it. i cant do it nemore im done. u live ur life da way u want and i will do the same cause we both have different perspectives of how that should be. u kno it too. i dont do the stuff u do. but u luv the stuff u do and i dont want you to change for me.  u should b who u are and whoever ur with shud except u for that. i cannot except you for the things you do cause i dont do them. and i dont need that in my life. and i dont want my kids seeing that thinking that wen u grow up that this is how a relaltionship is or life. she agreed. i gave her a hug and told her we had good times. thats wat i will rembr and forgive me if i dont talk to you for ahwile. but i need to really distant myself from you. cause i am human and i will still have feeling for u even tho i say i dont. its life.but its time for both of us to let go. mainly me. hope u best. we kisd n hugd one last time. then i got in my car with my kids n drove away. last night is the first night that i didnt dream about her. it felt good. the sun is shining and it feels good. thank you lord.

Welcome back Sinplicity.  It's great that you came back to give us an update.  Happy to hear that the sun is shining on you and that it's feeling good and like the right decision.  I have to commend your strength for deciding what's best for you and for your children and sticking to your plan despite it's difficultey.  Wishing you the best as you move forward once again. 

Wow! Great work. I'm happy to see you are feeling better. You are showing strong determination and good judgement. I can't help but think you are headed in a good direction. Enjoy the sunny days to come! My best wishes to you.

its raining today here but i feel good. my x's mom cald n told me my x wen out last night and that was it. i made me ache for a little bit like 3-5 mins then it faded. it was weird. but good.

the rain feels good splashing on my face. it's like rain i nvr experienced b4. just so refreshing. my life feels like my eyes r opend and i c colors i havnt cn b4. i nevr knew dat being single was like this. i dont feel alone anymore. i dont feel like she is the only one for me. i c happiness n me and my kids that i saw b4 but nvr acknowledged.

iI CAN SECURLY SAY I LOVE MY LIFE MORE NOW THAN EVER!!

LOVING IT!!

 Awesome!

 today was weird i was doin fine and i was gonna do some work on my car and then BOOM!! this feeling of mising her hit me. i was overtaken by it. i kept reminding myself about the bad sht. and i slowy think im feeling betr. the question i have is---do i acknowled this feeling and acept it and then retaliate with a reminder of y im not with her? does that sound like a good thing. otherwise im good the rest of the time. just for that moment. i remember wen i was a mess and cryd in the shower for her in the past. now its just like i have a ugly feeling and i want to get rid of it as fast as i can.

 ok so i come this conclusion-----i am well on my way to completing this goal. i have goten out of the relationship. i have d fone numbrs n facebook accounts. i guess i lost track of y i was here. i am her to set a goal n complete it.

now i know im in the phase of justt dealing with my decision. i dont miss her much like i use to. i kno dis. i miss her at times. but if i get up on my feet n put one foot in front of the other the other one follows. the feeling then fades.

but, i have this problem---she use to get ahold of me. now i havnt herd a word from her. i got worried n txtd her but still nuthng. a fren told me that she dont want nethng to do with me now. so y does this bothr me?

neway i d her fone numbr that way i dont txt r call her. I keep telling myself this now--SHE DON'T LOVE, CARE OR MISS ME. IF SHE DID SHE WUD GET AHOLD OF ME. but then again y do i want her to do these things? y is it now that i want her to talk to me?

 i updated my 3 things cause like i said before i am here to set a goal and set steps and to complete a goal.

so, far i have completed 2 steps. i have one more to do. i am doin this so far. we only live like 120 miles apart and i kno i can go there n b with her. but i am being strong so far. day by day step by step. 

It's good to see you've come back and are updating here again Sinplicity.  You're doing great.  As we mentioned before, try to stay focused on the things that make you and your children happy and in time, it becomes easier.  If she wants to get ahold of you, she'll find a way.  Looking forward to reading about all the places you'd like to visit with your kids and all the things you'd like to do.  There's no limit on how many goals you can work on at one time here.  If you had to pick three places to take the children, where would you like to travel?  What would you like to do?  I'd love to hear about some of those things too.

another day. had dream about her. wat i am tryn to thnk about r make sense of is they say our dreams our our mind replaying events and sumtimes predicting. anyway to the point. when i dream about nicole its only the bad stuff. my dreams are just plays in my head of me dealing with her aftr she cheated on me. she has hickys on her neck and shes like wat! it was nothing.

do i dream these things cause my mind is scared about events? or is it because during the day it passes my mind on when she cheated on me?

i stil find myself thnkn  bout her. but it passes and the pain gets less and less everyday like the thoughts of her. is this me geting over her now?

 I wish I had an answer for you about why you experience those dreams of your ex.  It's been my experience that the more I fill my time with things I'm excited or happy about, the less time I have to worry about the things that make me anxious or depressed. The more I exhaust myself during the day, the deeper and better I sleep at night time. The most productive and physically fit times of my life were when I was coming out of a bad relationship.  Looking back, those times were when I really dove into new projects, developed new talents and hobbies, cultivated other important relationships or took a trip to a fantatic place.  Was I upset during those times?  Absolutely.  You can expect to be upset.  Were they important and necessary periods in my life? Absolutely.  I believe you'll find that as time passes, it will continue to get easier. Those darker times led to unbelievable places and contributed to the person I am today.  All is not lost if the lessons are learned.  

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. ~ Anne Bradstreet

Stay strong and focused on what makes you happy Sinplicity.  I have no doubt that these challenging times have not come to stay, they have come to pass.

 thanks for the input. it helpd me today. 

i do find that wen i start to dwell or have a moment  that if i just get up and do something it passes. i started working out. i have a hobbie im trying to get into. it does do me good wat u said. it helps. i usually can't wait to get up in the morning and here the support and ideas from this website. it helps me get my day goin! then wen i feel the moment coming on i rember the support i have here. 

i know that to every dark night there is a brighter day. 

the pain is less and less as the days go by. one day at a time.  stay away form her is what i need to keep doing. stick to the plan. stick to the plan!! i keep telling myself.

thank you lord for everything. 

It makes me very happy to read your post Sinplicity.  Your progress is evident and it seems like you're getting things into perspective.  Look how far you've come!!  It's great that you've found the support here to be helpful.  I hope you'll keep posting your updates. We'd love to see some of those new goals up as well so we can encourage you toward your aspirations.  Keep up the great work.  You're doing fantastic.

Saw this one today and thought of you Sinplicity:

"Don't rob yourself of the pain of a good loss, for it is in our losses that we make the decision to change."  CJ Calvert.

 nice one to ponder!

today i am missing her alot. i cald her n we takd for a little bit.  she is over me more than im over her. it hurt to find that out. she was like im not hurtn im doin ok. she with her mom helping her out. everythng around me just reminds me of her. im trying to stay busy. but the thoughts are in my head and i cannot escape em.

i am hurt alot today cause she over me. she done with me. she told me on the phone. why does this bother me?? she told me that wat we had was ok but it's done and over. it happened for a reason. then she was like i have to go. 

sumthing went off inside me. it was like i wanted her more than ever!! i needed her. why?? i cald her back and back again and she told me she was busy. i cald again and she busy again. why do i feel like this now? today is harder than the rest. IT SUCKS i just want the pain to go away. :(

 i still miss her and my heart aches for her. i think it's set off from me talkn to her. i believe i had hope still of getting back together. one day. i did not kno i did. must've been hiding in me sumplace. but it came out yesterday more than ever wen she told me she done with me. she doesn't want to come back to my life or where i live. she said i rather b doin sumthing than nuthing!!. y am i doubting that i am the nothing? i kno dat not wat she meant but that wat i feel. i look around wher i live yesterday and all i could think is WOW their really isn't anything!! i have my job, my kids thats it. i should b thankful. y am i doubitn everything now? in the end she told me--BABES I WANT TO BE WITH U AND ONLY U!!! then later on she said--BABES WHEN YOU GET PAID CAN YOU SEND ME SOME MONEY? BABES, BABES!!!! WTF! this has messed me up.i will write more later. arrgghhhh!! adsfoihhwn!^&!!!!!

Hello Simplicity, Remember that you are the man your boys will take their lead from. Your courage to let go will become their courage to let go. Also, they are learning from you, how to take care of themselves in the face of fierce adversity. They are learning when it is best to let go and move forward. Trust your decisions. They have been wise and carefully thought out. Take time to do something nice for yourself. You deserve it! My best to you and your children. 

i was just having one of those tough days the other day. i let it get the best of me and i gave in to it. today i feel stronger. i think i finally found sumthing that works for me. everytime i start to thnk about her and get depressed i tell myself -- let her go, move on. sumtimes repeatedly. so far it has done me good!! my ache in my heart goes away real quick. i like it. im sure that i will have another tough time. but i remind myself yes it's goin to be tough. it's not gonna be easy. i accepted this now. i was always askn for the quick way to end the pain. i know that every day that goes by is one more day that i get stronger!! i will not think that it is one more day i am without her!  

it all started cause i use to have at least one dream about her before i woke up.  and it made me miss her. last night tho i had a dream that i was single with my kids and i met sumone and the joy of it overwhelmd me. wen i woke i thot to myself u kno wat this is not goin to be easy. its goin to hurt. she was not the right person for me. if i stayed with her i would be unhappy. by taking it one day at a time and dealing with the pain i will be a better person after this. it just takes time.

i love it. lets see how 2morow is!!. thanks people for everythng and the support. may god bless u aLL

Hello Sinplicity, after reading what you've written here, I was thinking that it might help to consider why you put this goal up to begin with.  Originally, you made a decision to leave the relationship.  Based on the title of the goal, it's perhaps because the relationship wasn't bringing anything positive to your life.  Have any of those reasons changed at all?  Has your Ex changed at all?  I understand that moving away from a negative influence in your life is a very challenging process to go through when your emotions are all mixed in.  Is it possible at all to refrain from contacting your Ex and having others give you reports about what's going on for the time being? Unfortunately, I must return to my original offering of 'time.'  Time will make the difference for you, but you have to give it a chance to work it's charms too.  A while back, I'd suggested making a list of all the things about yourself that are worthy of a loving, lasting, positive relationship.  Making that list and going through the exercise will help you realize that you are worth exactly that - a loving, positive, lasting relationship.  Can your Ex give you that?  I'd like to suggest another exercise that might help you:  Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  At the top, on one side, put the word PRO.   In your case, this column is for all the reasons to rebuild your relationship with your Ex.  On the other side, put the word CON.  This is for all the reasons why you think you may not want that.  I'd love for you to let us know which column comes out the winner.  The choice may be clear, but your determination to do what's best for your life and your kids will have to come from within you.  You have the strength to get through this.  I fully beieve it.  Wishing you the very best and peace as well.  

Hi Sinplicity, we hope all is going well for you these days.  I was just checking to see if you'd had a chance to update us on how things are.  I hope you'll come back and let us know how it's going for you and your children.  Wishing you the very best. 

Hello Simplicity, Your last note was so strong. I felt some happiness for you! You are moving forward and that is really great! Sometimes peace is a slow train coming but if you look real hard down the track you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. How are the children? I imagine they are looking forward to summer and some fun. You all deserve some down time full of adventures and new found family time. Would love to hear about the plans and ideas for summer. My best to you and your children.

Hello Simplicity, I imagine the summer has brought a whole new adventure. I hope you are finding some peace and joy spending time enjoying the children. This season is so liberating with the great weather and vacation time. Time to create some new summer traditions . Hope you had a happy 4th of July. My best wishes to you and your children.