This past week I actually walked right over to the office building which houses the labs and offices of a few profs I'd like to work for. I went in with the plan of looking around and hopefully speaking to a couple, but I found the main office and spoke to someone there. A step ahead, needlessly scary, but that's something, isn't it?

 A few weeks ago I went to a Toastmaster's meeting and actually stood up and contributed by respondign to a Table Topics question. Only spoke for ~40 seconds, but that's something!

 I now have a job as supervisor for a small section of a dining hall. It involves a lot of standing, but previous knowledge and exoerience was essential in getting the position. Even though I'm the new one here, I have my little place with my expertise, and it feels good.

I still have a far way to go. It's still disheartening to think about, but I guess I have made progress.

 I graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Psychology last October. I'm interested in the way brains work, how they dictate what we do and how what we do dictates what our brains do. Being able to read a mind is fascinating.

I signed up for a symposium on MagnetoEncephaloGraphy, which was being given by an institute nearby. It took a little getting over myself to sign up, allowing myself to accept the same advice I'd give a friend.

And then, I went. I went, even though I felt like I'd be the least knowledgeable and least qualified person there (qualified for what? I don't know.). I felt awkward at first, but really enjoyed it. 

 So Jo, now that you have a Psychology degree, have you tried to psychoanalyze yourself to figure out what the root cause of your fear of not being good enough?  My wife struggles a lot in this area too and I often wonder if it's nature or nurture that caused it to happen.

I've certainly analysed myself, and I've come to my conclusions. With each course I took  I always tried to apply what I was learning (never tried to diagnose myself with the symptom checklists) to myself. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. 

Personally, I think everyone is born with their own set of natural tendencies and that these can be fostered or dampened depending on the environment. 

Although I believe that people can truly change entire aspects of themselves, I think that the amount of work involved is so huge that it requires more dedication than most people are willing to give. That being said, a person can develop habits of changing their focus, thereby 'tricking' themselves into behaviour change in that area. If I simply choose to focus on and look for times I have successfully been confident ( perhaps coming up with a list over time and refering back to it as well as adding to it), I will naturally feel more confident. For me, in terms of this choice, I must choose to increase this behaviour in moments of greatest unease (on the opposite end, narcissists apparently do very well in job interviews because they're so good at advertising themselves) . There are, of course, other behaviours I could probably come up with that will help me increase my confidence.

List of times when I have acted or been confident: Writing this response; When I told someone about why Van Gogh's paintings are considered good art; When I realized at the conference that no one really cared about my background in a judging way; When I got my new sneakers; When I try to make a new dish and it comes out fantastic. I guess for me the trend is needing to feel a degree of expertise. Not always possible, like in the sneaker situation, but I did go in with an idea of what I was looking for and had the confidence to turn down suggestions given by a relative expert when the options weren't right for me.

 Another problem I have that I recognize as highly contributing to this is that I do not celebrate my own successes. I have a history of being made fun of or brushed off when sharing something I was proud of, so I stopped sharing and stopped celebrating. It got to the point that I would treat an accomplishment as something to check off a list. That's part of the reason I joined MLL. Celebration of accomplishments and victories is a powerful incentive for action, and coupled with encouragement as well as being surrounded by people who are action-oriented are together a really really positive influences for both action and for training me to take some time to celebrate.

(When I graduated, I was unable to attend convocation, but my husband gave me a card, surprised me with a tassle, and even dressed me up to have our own grad ceremony. Small gestures, but it was the perfect amount of celebration for me.)

 Sometimes I think people want to minimize other people's successes when they themselves aren't working toward anything or having successes of their own.  Very few people get truly excited about someone else's successes, which is why MLL IS such a great place to be because we're all working toward our own "successes."

 Jo, I just came across your goal and perhaps can share some insight. We all have what are some times called our 'Acts' that guide how we live out our lives. For example having an older brother I at times did not think I was good enough. He was great at everything. Funny this act forced me to become an overachiever. I studied hard, joined everything and became focused on proving to people that I'm not only good enough but the best.

This has draw backs because I would do things that were not really who I was to demonstrate to others I could do that. A few years back I started focusing on what was possible in my life. I looked at my accomplishments and changed the way I viewed them. Instead of making others jealous I could inspire others. If I could take away the look what I did and make people believe they could do it as well I will be able to look back and celebrate my achievements. This is what led me to founding My Life List. We all need a place to share what is important. A place to feel valued without judgement. This has been a huge experiment for the site and we have not focused on growth but setting the right tone for people to share with each other. I do hope in time we will be able to share the site with more people, but right now we have to make the members on the site feel valued and safe. 

I hope this makes sense. Keep celebrating your successes and becareful to not be too hard on yourself. Find out what is possible and build up to it. What we do here at MLL is not really something many people understand or care to. We know that on facebook post status note that you are no longer engaged watch everyone comment, post that you just ran a marathon and 25% of people will comment. We are just not conditioned to cheer yet for others... Hopefully we keep doing that here on MLL as I think its very important. 

Sorry for long note, but your thoughts touched me..

 Alexanderrob, you're so right. It's a long road to get to the point where you realize that, even once you've reached it it can be hard to remember sometimes. I'm fortunate to have been able to deepen friendships which are good for me and distance people who are negative or bad for me. My manager at Hallmark was such a wonderful, lively influence on me in many ways and truly got excited for others. It was beautiful to watch her interact with people. 

Bill, thank you. It's certainly encouraging to see that others grow and create wonderful things from their challenges. Thank you for MLL! It is truly helping me work on aspects of myself which can understandably be a struggle when you're far from close friends. By having a place to post goals and success stories in such a safe environment, my confidence seems to be growing on its own.